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Category: Humor
Description: The first new Darwin Awards book in three years, The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design is the latest addition to one of the most popular and successful humor franchises on bookshelves today. Named after Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, The Darwin Awards pays homage to those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. Most of us know instinctively that the phrase "trust me, light this fuse" is a recipe for disaster. Darwin Award winners do not. Most of us have basic sound judgment that eliminates the need for NO SMOKING signs at gas stations. Darwin Award winners do not. No warning label could have prevented evolution from creeping up on the homeowner who filled his house with natural gas to kill termites, the easy rider who decided to steer his motorcycle with his feet, or the winner who tried to weld a hand grenade onto a chain. Filled with more than one hundred new tales of evolution in action, and complete with essential science and safety discussions, The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design shows that when it comes to common sense, natural selection still has a long way to go.
eBook Publisher: Penguin Group/Dutton Adult,
Books By Dames Release Date: October 2006

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Available eBook Formats [Secure Mobipocket/Microsoft Reader/eReader (recommended)/Adobe PDF - What's this?]: SECURE MOBIPOCKET FORMAT [1.9 MB], SECURE MICROSOFT READER FORMAT [4.1 MB] - Requires Microsoft Reader 2.1.1 for PCs, SECURE EREADER (RECOMMENDED) FORMAT [1.5 MB], SECURE ADOBE PDF FORMAT [7.7 MB]
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The role model for the Darwin Awards is Wile E. Coyote, whose relentless pursuit of Road Runner leads him to find creative solutions to nonexistent problems, none of which work the way he planned. True Darwin Award candidates imagine that they live in a world where tigers don't bite, sharks are as cuddly as stuffed animals, and people can fly with a little ingenuity. In their minds, steering a motorcycle with their feet just makes sense. In their world, it's easy to go to the chopping block and confuse a private body part with a chicken neck.

Benjamin Franklin once said, "We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid." Darwin Awards celebrate those who work the hardest. By removing themselves from the gene pool, they give their all for the good of the rest of us. To paraphrase Neil Armstrong, "That's one small misstep for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Most of us know instinctively that the phrase "trust me, light this fuse" is a recipe for disaster. Darwin Award winners do not. Most of us have a basic common sense that eliminates the need for NO SMOKING signs at gas stations. Darwin Award winners do not. No warning label could have prevented evolution from creeping up on the homeowner who filled his house with natural gas to kill termites, nor the winner who tried to weld a hand grenade onto a chain. The stories assembled in this book show that common sense is really not so common.

There are people who think it's practical to solder an acetylene tank to a steel roof. There are people who top off their car's brake fluid with dishwashing liquid. We applaud the predictable demise of such daredevils with the Darwin Award, named after Charles Darwin, the father of evolution.

Darwin Awards show what happens to people who are bewilderingly unable to cope with obvious dangers in the modern world. The smoker who can't wait for the next stop and steps out of the bus to light up—at sixty miles an hour. The father who shoots himself while proving that his son's instructor doesn't understand gun safety. The camper with too much gear who stashes a propane tank in his car's engine compartment!

Darwin Award winners plan and carry out disastrous schemes that a child can tell are a really bad idea. They contrive to eliminate themselves from the gene pool in such an extraordinarily idiotic manner that their actions ensure the long-term survival of our species, which now contains fewer idiots. The single-minded purpose and self-sacrifice of each winner, and the spectacular means by which he snuffs himself, qualifies him for the dubious honor of winning a Darwin Award.

To win, nominees must significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race in an astonishingly stupid way. Contenders are evaluated using the following five criteria:

Reproductive Dead End: The candidate must remove himself from the gene pool.

The Darwin Awards celebrate the self-removal of incompetent genetic material from the human race. The potential winner must therefore render himself deceased, or at least incapable of reproducing. If someone does manage to survive an incredibly stupid feat, then his genes ipso facto have something to offer in the way of luck, agility, or stamina. He is therefore not eligible for a Darwin Award, though sometimes the story is too entertaining to pass up and he earns an Honorable Mention.

The Darwin Awards community has engaged in interminable and ultimately inconclusive discussions about what it means to be removed from the gene pool. What if the winner has already reproduced; is it sufficient that she can make no further contributions? What if the nominee has an identical twin? Are women past childbearing age disqualified? What about cryogenics, which makes it possible for sperm and ova to outlive their donors? Cloning might eventually allow those who die from licking poisonous toads to reproduce posthumously, with disastrous effects on future generations!

It would take a team of researchers to ferret out the full reproductive implications of each nominee—a luxury Ms. Darwin lacks. Therefore, no attempt is made to determine the actual reproductive potential of the candidate. If you no longer have the physical wherewithal to breed with a mate on a desert isle, then you are eligible for a Darwin Award.

Excellence: The candidate must exhibit an astounding misapplication of judgment.

We are not talking about common stupidities such as forgetting soup on the stove, leaving the iron on, or jumping off the garage roof into a deep pile of leaves. The fatal act must be of such idiotic magnitude that we shake our heads and thank our lucky stars that our descendants won't have to deal with, or heaven forbid breed with, descendants of the buffoon that set that scheme in motion.

Baking bullets in an oven, looking inside a rocket launcher, clubbing chickens with the butt of a loaded gun, jamming your head into a paper-towel dispenser, and grabbing defibrillator paddles while shouting, "Juice me up!" are are all worthy Darwinian activities.

Self-selection: The candidate must be the cause of his own demise.

The candidate's own gross ineptitude must be the cause of the incident that earns him the nomination. A driver hit by a falling tree is a victim of circumstance. If you chain the tree to your pickup and pull it over onto yourself, you are a candidate for a Darwin Award.

Some think that a person who intentionally attempts to win a Darwin Award—and succeeds—is by definition a perfect candidate. However, I do not want to encourage risk-taking behavior, so anyone who purposely tries to join these illustrious ranks is automatically disqualified.

Maturity: The candidate must be capable of sound judgment.

People with physical or mental handicaps are more susceptible to doing themselves harm. Their deaths are not amusing, because their increased risk comes from an innate impediment, rather than poor decisions. Those who lack maturity are therefore not eligible for an award.

Children (typically below the age of sixteen) do not qualify, as their judgment has not fully developed. They do not possess sufficient maturity and experience to make life-or-death judgments, and the responsibility for their safety still resides with their guardians.

Copyright © 2006 by Wendy Northcutt.